Introduction
Yesterday I was called a baby murderer because I defended Emily Letts.
First of all, this is just absolutely silly. Anyone who knows me knows that I literally squeal when I see cute things like babies and puppies. (I am using literally correctly here, I am an English Major). It is especially bad in Boise because there are all of those things plus baby geese and ducks. My boyfriend gets so uncomfortable when I am around babies that he actually tries to avert my attention from them. I have to remind him that I so desperately do not want one myself that my ovaries are just trying to make up for it by admiring already existing babies. So to be called a baby murderer was less of an insult and more of a realization of how much I hate the facebook "friend" system. What I did to to get this name
was simply ask someone to reconsider calling all women who have abortions monsters.
For those who have somehow missed the internet uproar of Emily Letts, I will recap. Emily Letts is an Abortion Doula who filmed her face when she got her procedure. Abortion Doulas are people who are paid to help women through abortions specifically, but also through the pain of miscarrying or having a stillbirth.
I will be the first to admit that when I read that she conceived because she made the conscious point not to be on birth control, I facepalmed. I will get back to this, but what redeemed this for me was that she admitted it was stupid and irresponsible and she got an IUD right after her abortion procedure.
On Doulas
Doulas are AMAZING people. The fact that women know so little about what their own body is capable of is actually appalling to me. Having people around who can teach about the birth process, about knowing your own body and its cycles, and coach women through natural labor is just fantastic. I knew that there were pregnancy and labor doulas, but I had no idea that there were abortion doulas. What is equally amazing to me is that some doulas are both pregnancy and abortion focused. A lot of westernized medicine focuses only on the afterproduct of the pregnancy: the baby. "How to keep your baby healthy" or "What not to do when you are pregnant". What these things do is leave out the fact that the pregnancy is not the most important part of being pregnant: it is the woman. Without the woman (I am leaving out test tube babies here) there is no birth. It is so important to keep the pregnant woman healthy and happy! She is not an incubating vessel or a petri dish... she is a living person, and people who are anti-choice so often forget that. What this wide spectrum of doulas shows me is that people who really understand women and pregnancy also understand life aside from the fetus.
In this way, I was really shocked and kind of annoyed that Emily Letts decided to not follow her own advice and at least carry a condom around. A $5 box of condoms is a lot cheaper than an abortion. But she's a human. She said that. And she learned from her mistake.
On What Makes a BabyI babysit a lot. I love babies.
When I see a baby on the street, I say "OOOOOOOO A BAYYYYYBEEEEEE!!!!" (In a squeal, which, again, makes my boyfriend uncomfortable)
What I do not say is "look at that adorable fetus".
because... there is a difference.
I am not making the argument that a pregnancy cannot be incredibly special to a woman who has conceived, nor am I making an argument for when a fetus is alive... I don't know that. What I am saying is fetus = still in the womb. And for some women, a fetus in the early stages of pregnancy does not equal a baby. This includes myself.
I've had this conversation over and over again with my mom, in that she is pro-choice but she would never get an abortion. To her, as soon as she realizes she is pregnant that fetus is important to her and she wants it to grow.
I support that so much. But what my mom also realizes is that pregnancy isn't like that for all women because it is a personal experience.
I have had friends that have become pregnant and been joyful about it. I am happy for them. Their joy and enthusiasm will no doubt raise a beautiful person. However, I have also had friends who have had abortions. Though some are more scared about the backlash from people who know them, others are just wracked with guilt. This gets me to my next point.
On Guilt (Sorry Mom!)
I say
sorry mom because I am about to talk about sex.
She is a good mom and knows that I am an adult and doesn't deny that I partake in adult past times. She is also a good mom because she taught me that condoms, the pill, IUD's, etc are better birth control than abstinence. Because, let's face it, people fuck no matter how much you tell them not to.
The same people who called me a babykiller also said that I "should not have sex until I am ready to have babies". At first, I was infuriated. I wanted to ask them if that included all the times I slept with women (because I obviously am not getting a baby that way). Probably it didn't, but that's getting me sent to hell for a different reason. I wanted to ask them if that meant that I couldn't have sex for the rest of my life because I
never want babies (of my own... I want to be an auntie like none other, though).
But instead I just said "That kind of 'birth control' is what causes unwanted pregnancies".
Birth control isn't infallible. Every time I have intercourse with a man I use protection (you should use it with girls, too...). And at least once a month I have a little twinge of worry if I'm not on time. The pill is super effective, but there is still a chance of getting pregnant while on it! So when I was coming upon the end of my first package and my body was a few days overdue, I half-panicked. I knew that sometimes your body just needs a little time to get used to the hormones. Luckily, and painfully (as it has been since the age of 13) I realized a few days later that I was not pregnant.
But if I did end up being pregnant, I would have gotten an abortion, and I would have felt little to no guilt about it. I say this because GUILT is not the word I felt when I was, for a few days, researching the abortion process. I felt terror, and I felt sadness. But this was not because I felt like I would have to "end a life".
In Idaho, a woman must legally go through state (Republican) funded "abortion counseling" and wait a full 24 hours before receiving one. This process is both misinformative and emotionally scarring... and people judge you. I was terrified that if I got pregnant and had to have an abortion, I would not only have to go to the counseling alone, but somehow scrounge up the money (because that sure as heck isn't covered by insurance in this conservative state) to get it and go through the process by myself.
Luckily, Idaho also has Planned Parenthood. I talked to this super nice guy about the pill, and he reassured me that I probably was fine and that if I wasn't I should call them back to talk about my options. It was fine... my body was just lollygagging. But I am sure that for many Idahoan women the "other options" is a terrifying step. And the thing that I liked about Emily Witts' interview in Cosmo was that she talked about women who weren't guilty about the procedure, but were guilty about not having guilt.
What I am begging you, those who are pro-choice,
to do is change your rhetoric in addressing abortion. Women shouldn't be obligated to feel guilty about making a choice that is right for them at the time. Not every woman thinks that a fetus is a baby. Not every woman sees a baby as a miracle, and not every woman should be forced to be a mother if she doesn't want to. Abortions are not procedures people get for fun. They can be incredibly scarring, especially if a woman really wants the child but does not want to carry it for 9 months and give it up to a fucked up adoption system where it most likely will encounter some form of neglect. It is a choice that a woman usually spends a lot of time on, and to assume that she is obligated to feel some sort of guilt neglects the fact that the woman probably knows what is best for herself at that time.
On loving thyselfI think that a lot of different steps can be taken to help women understand their bodies.
1) Teaching kids about genitals and the body. Not just how to wash them, but what happens for instance when you put your genitals in the opposite genitals... etc.
people are way too prudish with their kids. My teacher was telling us the other day that his ex-wife had to explain to their son what a hymen was because of a poem he read. (PS... the popping the cherry myth is something else that makes me furious) I was surprised at how many people were shocked at that. OMG A HYMEN. SOMETHING THAT GIRLS SOMETIMES HAVE.
My mom taught me about pregnancy at a youngish age, so I was afraid of penises for a very long time. Sometimes, I still check under the bed for them before I go to sleep. No babies yet!
2) Stop teaching kids abstinence only. If you tell them no they only want to do it more.
If you tell them "hey, you could get this weird parasitic thing growing inside of you for 9 months that essentially bursts forth from your vagina if you don't use condoms " then chances are THEY WILL PROBABLY USE CONDOMS.
3) Don't be Afraid of Your Body!
I remember back when I used tampons my friend asked me for one and I gave her a no-applicator one (the only kind I used). She looked at it, at me, and said
"But... how do you... oh never mind. I'll figure it out".
Now people get freaked out that I use a menstrual cup! they're like
"wait... but that means you have to stick your hands in..."
Yeah, I do. Get over it. And because I do I know what each day of my cycle is like and what my insides are like... so when I feel or see something wrong I get it looked at. It's actually pretty helpful.
4) Don't be Afraid to Not Have Sex
Not going to lie, I waited much later than I think like... 95% of my friends did. I was 19. I was a sophomore in college. And that was with a girl, so there was no pregnancy scare. I do not regret it... I had no idea what I was missing. And to be honest, sometimes it is a pain when you just want to sleep in or read a book in bed and there's someone's boner sticking into your back. The number of times I have said no to morning sex is more than one would think, but that's what shows you you're with a good partner - if you say no and they just let it be. Or if they can tell you're not into it and they don't put up a fuss.
Have good, consensual, protected sex on your own terms. Have it when you are ready to have it, not for when you are ready to have a baby.
And be aware that your body is a crazy thing... and if your body does something unexpected you are not alone.
